Bev Niner, or, the last Beverly Hills, 90210
by zaen
Summary: A darkly funny version of Beverly Hills, 90210. Adult language, sexual situations, catfights, and the Peach Pit.
1. Chapter One

_BEV NINER, _or_, the last Beverly Hills, 90210_, part 1   
Copyright ©2000 by K. Adams 

_Cast_

Brandon Walsh, Kelly Taylor, Donna Martin, Steve Sanders, Valerie Malone, David Silver

Brenda Walsh, and _Special Guest Star_ Dylan McKay

_Guest appearances by_ Claire Arnold and Tracy Gaylian

_With_ Nat and Joanie Buccigio, Noah Hunter, Janet Sosna, Matt Durning, Gina Kincaid

_And introducing_ Victoria Virelli

Prologue: March 1998

_When Kelly Taylor rejected Brandon Walsh's marriage proposal, he immediately found himself in the arms of Victoria Virelli, a mysterious New Yorker whom he'd met while interviewing for a position at the _New York Post_. He didn't get the job, but he did get himself a new wife. No one was more surprised than Kelly, who instantly regretted turning down Brandon's proposal. Dylan, still mourning the death of his first wife and still unable to woo Kelly back, was soon off to Europe._

_As Brandon wrestled with his feelings for both his new bride and Kelly, Valerie Malone was busy making life more interesting for everyone. When Tom, Val's pseudo first love and oldest friend from home, left town, Val went into a slight depression. To make herself feel better, she set her sights on seducing the then still attached Steve Sanders. To Val's surprise Steve was able to withstand her attentions, but that didn't stop her from telling Claire Arnold, Steve's girlfriend, that she had succeeded anyway. Claire promptly broke up with Steve, who drowned his sorrows during a weekend binge and woke up Monday morning next to…Colin, Kelly's old cokehead boyfriend from New York. They decided to never mention it to anyone, whatever _it_ was—they didn't really remember anything. Unfortunately for Steve, Colin didn't keep his word and decided to blackmail Steve for $7,925—the amount he owed on his combined credit cards._

_Donna Martin happened to overhear Colin blackmailing Steve. She tried to convince Steve to admit his mistake and forgo his money problems. Steve was embarrassed to no end that one of his dear friends knew about his "indiscretion." He happened to mention to some former Keg House members that he knew a girl he wished would "just go away". Unbeknownst to him, they kidnapped Donna, as a favor to a Keg brother of course, thinking that they could scare her into submission. But the menage was thwarted when a struggle in the getaway car caused it to crash into a tree. The car burst into flames, but Donna escaped, protected only by the impenetrable fabric of one of her newest designs that she was wearing. She disappeared._

_David Silver, upset at the loss of his beloved virginal Donna, drowned his sorrows in alcohol and sex. In the 48 hours following Donna's disappearance, he visited the beds of three women, two at one time. He was found pacing the West Beverly Hills High School track in the dark, bottle of Johnny Walker Red in one hand, picture of Donna in the other._

_Once Claire began to regret breaking up with Steve, she went to the Walsh house to take him back. What she saw was through the window was Steve doing some coke with Dick, a fellow Keg House brother with a penchant for drugs and sports, not necessarily in that order. Claire left in disgust before the real action began. A week later she moved to Paris for good._

_After much self-reflection, Steve's little brother Ryan decided to wait to lose his virginity. But since he wanted to be cool, he bragged to his school buddies that he'd become a man. When they pressed for details, he folded. They laughed at him and embarrassed him in front of the entire school. Devastated, Ryan stayed home from school the next day and drank himself into a silly stupor. He broke into the house of the girl he was supposed to have slept with. She was at school, so he climbed in her window. When she came home after school, she found him asleep in her bed. His thumb was in his mouth. He was wearing her favorite bra and panties set._

_Steve quickly found out about his little brother's new "interest." Their father refused to talk to Ryan, his twin brother was ashamed of him, and Steve was at a complete loss. He did what his West Beverly-bred, frat loving, MTV generation brain told him was the best thing—he took his brother on _The Jerry Springer Show_. Amidst guests of varied backgrounds and orientations, Steve appealed to Jerry to tell him how to help his half-brother (he emphasized the _half_ throughout the show). The show was definitely a ratings grabber, especially when a thin, red-haired, woman in dark sunglasses stood up to offer the question, "Steve, why are you so upset with your brother? Didn't you sleep with another man?" The crowd went wild as Colin came from backstage and the mysterious woman, laughing hysterically, took off her wig to reveal---Donna. Luckily for Steve, his parents greased a few palms, and the show never aired. No one else ever found out. Steve nevertheless vowed revenge on Donna._

_In May the gang filed into the California University stadium for commencement ceremonies. Kelly, Val, Steve, David, and Donna all sat in the front row, listening to the dean introduce the valedictorian's speech. They wondered who would fill in for Brandon, still away in New York on his extended honeymoon. Then, as if on cue, Brandon appeared, accompanied by two men in sunglasses, from behind the stage. Everyone noticed how unhappy he looked, especially for a newly married man. He took the podium and began his speech. He spoke of sacrifice and choices, and, looking directly at Kelly, of regret. Kelly smiled wearily at him, then proudly brandished the chain around her neck. Brandon's sorrowful face instantly brightened when he recognized the ring that he had given Kelly when he proposed. The two shared a hopeful silence while offstage, Brandon's wife, infuriated, flipped open her cell phone._

_Victoria Virelli paced back and forth in a quiet area behind the stadium. She tried to obliterate the sight of Kelly and Brandon from her brain. She reached for the cigarettes in her purse, and cursed when she realized she had no matches. She looked up and saw a tall, dark, and handsome man. He offered her a light, and his name—Tom. He told her he was a friend of Valerie Malone's who had secretly come to see her graduate, but Victoria wasn't really paying attention. After a few minutes of small talk, she gave him a lift to the airport, making a pit stop at a seedy motel._

_Donna planned a romantic evening for her and David in honor of their graduation from college. She lit candles all over the beachhouse and prepared for impending de-virginity. When David didn't show up, she got impatient and headed for the AfterDark. When she got there, a waitress told her that David was in the upstairs office discussing business with Val. Donna opened the door to the office and found David doing a line of coke off of Val's naked body. Donna fled, David tried to follow her, and Val just laughed_

_Tracy Gaylien, Brandon's former partner at the university newspaper and sometimes partner in bed, was devastated that Brandon had dumped her for Kelly and married another woman in the span of only a few weeks. She went to Valerie, the only one of the gang that she could trust, for advice, but Val was too busy in therapy. Since she'd admitted the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father, she started seeing Dr. Harvey, a Beverly Hills shrink whose infomercial she had seen on late night television. She wasn't getting better, because Dr. Harvey was too busy trying to feel her up while she was under hypnosis._

_One day David found Tracy in one of the ratty bars he had begun frequenting since he was using again. She came on to him, seemingly unaware of whom he was. David thought she was playing a game with him, so he went along with it. They went back to her house. The next morning, a very hung-over David noticed that the walls in Tracy's room were bare save one. It was covered with photocopies of Kelly's _Teen_ magazine cover. David slowly got dressed and left, oblivious to the fact that Tracy was huddled in a corner, dripping wet in a bath towel, drawing red lipstick bullseyes around Kelly's face._

_In late autumn tragedy struck The Peach Pit AfterDark when Dick, Steve's druggie frat brother, overdosed in the bathroom. Brandon, ever the reporter, asked Victoria for help. He knew that with all of her connections, she could easily find out who was dealing the night Dick died. He was also thinking that he would have a great cover story for _The Beverly Beat_, a new local paper that he and Steve had just started. As it turned out, it was actually one of the Virelli thugs who sold Dick his fatal dose. Brandon never found out who it was exactly, he was just told that the matter had been handled. When he pressed his wife for details she reminded him that he would be better off to keep his nose out of "family business." Brandon stormed off in a huff. Victoria grabbed for her cell phone, and Brandon was ordered a 24-hour shadow._

_On Christmas Day, Victoria sat poolside at the Beverly Hills Hotel where she and her husband had taken up residence. Brandon appeared, and Victoria asked him where he'd been the last 48 hours. Brandon told her he'd been following a lead on a story. Then a man in sunglasses came out of nowhere and whispered something in Victoria's ear. She asked Brandon if there was anything he wanted to tell her. He wearily told her that he couldn't take it—the marriage—anymore, that he felt suffocated, and that he wanted out. Victoria said nothing as Brandon gathered his things and left._

_A few days later Victoria drove frantically to the address written on a small piece of paper in her glove compartment. She parked 2 blocks down from a jewelry store on Melrose. There she saw Brandon and Kelly together, in an embrace. Her eyes welled up as she watched Brandon take the ring from Kelly's chain and place it on her finger. As Kelly waved Brandon over toward her car, a surge of fear overcame Victoria. She reached for her car door. Then, suddenly, she became very still. She decided against distracting Brandon, which was her original plan. She watched with tears in her eyes as they both got into Kelly's car. She waited as the car stalled for a second. After the explosion, Victoria drove back to the hotel, where a limo was waiting to take her to the airport and back to New York._

_At Brandon's wake, Tracy was so overtaken with grief that she tried to get into the casket with his body. The pallbearers struggled to keep her calm and far away from the family, especially Brenda Walsh McKay. She and her new husband, Dylan McKay, had flown into town for the funerals only that morning. When Brenda came into the funeral hall and found Tracy trying to open Brandon's casket, she went ballistic. She took Tracy by the ears and slammed her against the wall. Jim Walsh just barely caught Cindy before she fainted to the floor._

_Everything was comparably quiet At Kelly Taylor's funeral. All of the same people were there, save Emily Valentine, Tracy, and all of Brandon's other ex-girlfriends. Brenda and Dylan sat in the second row, holding hands and talking quietly. Kelly's mom and little sister were in the front row. Before long, Collin stumbled in, and Steve made a speedy exist. Colin went up to the coffin, took a swig of something, and then passed out next to Valerie._

_It quickly became apparent to everyone that the investigation into the murders was a complete joke—even Beverly Hills cops were on the take for the Virelli family. David, grief stricken, began to suspect Tracy. He started thinking about the night of their brief encounter, not so much for the sex or the intimacy, but for the weirdness. He remembered the numerous pictures of Kelly on her wall and how she mumbled "Kelly…hate…Kelly" in her sleep. In a reckless state brought on by lack of medication, he decided to confront Tracy. He found his way to her parent's house. When he got there he saw two cars in the driveway. He took a swig from the flask he seemed to always have with him and headed for the front door._

_Instead of knocking he went to the side of the house and peeked through the window. It appeared to be the family room—wide screen TV, leather couch, and reindeer head on the wall. A scarf placed over the lamp gave the room a deep, blood red glow. He started to open the sliding glass door, but then noticed Tracy. She was on the floor, naked, getting to third base with someone. When Tracy moved her head David could see whom it was—Emily Valentine. He was taken off guard for a second, but then suddenly, it all seemed clear to him. Tracy and Emily Valentine must have planned to kill Kelly, and perhaps Brandon just got in the way. He took another swig from the flask, just to muster up the courage to make a citizen's arrest. Then he stopped for a moment and watched the women writhe on the floor for what seemed like hours. They were so busy that they didn't notice David slowly opening the sliding glass door to get a better view. They didn't notice the heavy breathing that _wasn't_ coming from them. They didn't notice until Tracy looked up, eyes wide, in a fit of ecstasy, and saw David, exposed, spitting on his hands and engulfed in onanistic pleasure. She screamed. Emily screamed. David was startled, but not enough to keep from "offering" himself to one or the both of them, hoping for a big finish. As Tracy fumbled for clothes, Emily clobbered David with the first large object she could find—an oversized, silicon sex toy._

_When he came to, David discovered that he had agreed to never mention what he just saw to anyone, in exchange for not being turned in to the police for trespassing, invasion of privacy, and sexual harassment. It wasn't until he was halfway home that he remembered why he went after Tracy in the first place, but by then it didn't matter. He thought about going back while the hooker whom he'd picked up on the Boulevard was at work in his lap. Nah, he thought to himself. I can't bring Kelly and Brandon back anyway. Fuck it._

_Donna, grief stricken for her beloved friends, decided to lose her precious virginity to the first man she saw…_

*************************************

At the dawn of 1999, the gang from West Beverly is still reeling from the murders of Kelly and Brandon. Jim and Cindy Walsh decide to sell the house, which forces Steve and Val to look for a new place to live. Steve doesn't seem to know up from down: his best friend and first love are dead, his home is being taken away from him, his little brother has dropped out of school and is hosting a crossdresser's call in show on cable access. His parents take pity on him and agree to support him financially for a while. So he hires Janet Sosna, a local journalist, to take over some duties at the _Beat_ for him. Then his days consist of little more than hanging out at the Keg house and screwing Valerie—or rather, try to screw Valerie. Lately he's having a hard time getting it up. Rather than get her sex elsewhere (as she would have in the past), Val decides to cure Steve herself. One day Steve comes home from drinking and brawling at the Keg house, only to find Val tied to the bed with his favorite ties, wearing a Keg house T-shirt, with "When Johnny comes marching home again" playing on the CD player. Nothing happens. A few days later, Val calls him out of an important poker game to rush home for an emergency. He bursts in to find Val, naked, on a silver platter on the dining room table. Lit candles fill the house. His favorite porno tape, _Frankenpenis_, starring John Wayne Bobbitt, is in the VCR. Val offers Steve a bottle of his favorite beer and orally demonstrates on it what would be in store for him that evening. Steve really tries hard, but still, nothing.

"C'mon Steve, I've waited long enough, " Val pouts.

"It's not like I can control it at will—there's an art to this." Steve wants to please Val, he wants to prove that he is still a man, but more than anything, he wants to finish watching the porno movie.

"Steve…Steve…" Val stands up on the bed and starts jumping up and down frantically, yelling, "you do me right now, _motherfucker_!" Steve, disgusted, gets up, puts his pants back on, and leaves.   


* * *

  
Brenda and Dylan decide to stay in town at an expensive hotel until the house gets sold. Dylan had wanted to go back to Europe the day after the funerals, but Brenda surprisingly wanted to catch up with her friends. She doesn't have much luck, though. David is never at home, both Steve and Donna seem to be in hiding, and she was never very close to Valerie anyway. So Brenda, sans husband, decides to visit the one place where she feels comfortable in Beverly Hills—The Peach Pit.

Brenda goes to visit Nat Buccigio, who is genuinely glad to see her. She asks about the baby, but Nat just eyes the door nervously. She fills Nat in on her fledgling acting career in London. He repeatedly shifts his weight.

"Nat, what's the matter with you?"

"Brenda...can you keep a secret?" Then Nat suddenly turns beet red. Brenda turns around to find Donna wearing her hair in pigtails, her old plaid Catholic school uniform, and saddle shoes. Brenda notices a marked difference in Donna, but she can't put her finger on it.

"Donna, how are you?" As Brenda hugs Donna, Nat quietly leaves for the storage room, where Donna follows, leaving Brenda utterly confused.   


* * *

  
The next day Valerie goes to visit Donna, whom she hasn't seen since the double funerals. She needs some girltalk, even if it's with silly virginal Donna.

"So, Donna, how's it hang—" Val stops in her tracks without finishing her sentence. Donna, wearing some of the most mismatched, unfashionable (even for her) clothes in the world, stands in the doorway, smoking a cigarette and finishing off a bottle of whiskey.

"Hey, Val."

"Uh…Donna…I almost didn't recognize you," Val says, almost laughing, as she follows Donna into the beach house.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she barks, almost spilling the whiskey all over the clothes-covered floor.

"Nothing. So, Donna, heard from David lately? Oh, I forgot that you two broke up," she says with mock concern. "Sorry."

"No, but I'm sure you have," Donna says, taking a long drag on her Marlboro and looking Val up and down, "being the whore that you are…oh, sorry."

"What's the matter with you, Don? You look like hell, you're smoking, you're wearing last season's clothes…are you on crack?" Donna closes the blinds in the living room and sits down on the beer stained couch. "Don, you can talk to me. I'm your…your…friend." It almost makes Val gag to say it.

"You're not my friend! You fucked the only guy that ever loved me, you made Kelly's life hell, and worst of all, you wore a red halter top to her funeral!" Val has never seen Don like this before; she almost reminds her of herself.

"OK…ok…I know I've been horrible, but c'mon Donna. Kelly's dead. Brandon's dead. Claire's gone. David is who knows where, and Steve is…well, Steve is preoccupied. All we have is each other." Val sits down next to Donna. "We need to lean on each other." Donna grimaces.

"I don't need you. I have someone."

"Yeah, who? Not David for damn sure."

"None of your business. Look, just get out." Suddenly an alarm clock nearby goes off, and Donna automatically reaches for the phone, dials 7 digits, waits, and immediately hangs up. Then she turns on the TV with the remote, acting like nothing just happened.

"What…was that?" asks Val.

"Nothing." Donna flips channels.

"You are so strange," Val remarks. Donna rolls her eyes and goes off to the bathroom. As Val rises to leave, the phone rings. She picks it up and a woman's voice says, "Listen, you bitch! If you ever call here again, I'll kill you. I swear, I'll kill you." _Click_.

"What the fuck?" asks Val, holding the receiver in astonishment as Donna comes back. "Is that rapist guy after you again? Does he sound like a woman?"

"Gimme that!" Donna pushes redial, waits, then bangs the receiver down multiple times.

"Donna, you're scaring me!" screams Val.

"_Cocksucker_!" screams Donna into the dial tone, then continues to bang. "You'll never take Nat away from me! Never!" Val's jaw drops.

"Nat? You…and Nat? Are you insane?" Val asks, eyes wide. Donna glares at her, then hurls the phone across the room.   


* * *

  
Val goes to the Peach Pit to confront Nat. She waits for him in the AfterDark, which has been closed for weeks, due to David's lack of management and the whole Dick thing months earlier. She stands in the empty club, remembering when she was the proprietor, making good money, and having a real sex life. What went wrong, she thinks to herself.

"Val, hey" says Nat as he enters the AfterDark, wiping his soiled hands on his white apron.

"Nat, I'm gonna cut to the chase. I know about you and Donna, and I think it's sick. But you're both my friends, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you or your family." Nat instantly turns white. "So this is what I want—I want half the Peach Pit."

"What…you want _what_?" A vein in Nat's forehead starts to throb.

"That way, Joanie will never know anything. I'll take care of Donna."

"Val," Nat whispers as he takes her by the arm and pulls her into the back office. He looks more nervous and scared than she's ever seen him. "You have no idea what's going on here."

"I know you seduced a 22 year old virgin and drove her insane!" Nat covers his face in shame. "I mean, c'mon, Nat. Are you that good?"

"No! I mean, Val, it didn't happen that way, honest. You've got to believe me," Nat pleads, wringing his hands desperately. "After Kelly and Brandon died, Donna was in a horrible state. She came into the Pit too drunk to drive." Val does not appear convinced. "Val, have I ever lied to you before?"

"Just tell me the rest."

"I couldn't let her drive, and I was feeling blue, too. You guys are like family to me—"

"I wish you hadn't said that," Val mumbles to herself, fighting visions of her father's hands on her, her mother's denial, her shrink's lack of technique.

"Well, it's true, Val. Donna was completely undone, so I took her back to the beach house…and…something happened." Val cringes. " 'I need to be held Nat' she said. 'I need to feel needed' she said. I was completely wrong to let it happen, I know that." Val can tell by Nat's face that he is sincere, and terribly sorry.

"So, if it was a mistake, why are you two still bumping uglies?"

"Still? It only happened once!" says Nat, raising his voice before he can remember he is in public.

"That's not what Donna says. She thinks you two are some kind of…I don't know…couple," says Val. She makes a face to show her utter disgust at the thought.

"Oh my God."   


* * *

  
Joanie returns home from a wonderful day at work. She's in a good mood: the strange crank calls seemed to have stopped, and today she made a $1,500 commission. She decides to wait a while before she picks up the baby from the sitter so she can make herself look pretty for Nat when he leaves the Pit. She rifles through the mail and finds a package from some doctor's office. Thinking that it is probably some information from the pediatrician, Joanie opens it up and finds a videocassette, _You and your baby_. She pops it into the VCR and gets a pen and paper, but then decides to watch it later, with Nat.

As Nat drives home from the Pit after closing, he is unaware that a car is following him. Joanie greets him with a hug and a glass of wine. She has cooked a nice meal, and with the baby at her sister's for the night, she hopes for a long overdue woo session with her husband.

"Honey, go put that fireplace video in," says Joanie as she lights candles for the table. Nat finds the video, and when he turns on the VCR, the tape Joanie had previously put in starts to play.

"What's this?" he says, noticing the introduction from the American Medical Association.

"Oh, that's just some tape I got in the mail," says Joanie, coming into the room with a glass of wine. Nat's smile turns sour when he sees the sender's name on the envelope that the tape came in: Dr. Martin—Donna's father.

"Joanie…" Nat starts, but just then the baby noises and cute music go off and there appears a huge, 3-ft blow-up of Nat and Joanie's wedding picture. A pair of well-manicured woman's hands begins cutting out Joanie's face. Nat's mouth goes dry. He looks as if he might faint. Joanie stares at the screen, dumbfounded, eyes bulging out of her head. As Joanie's smiling paper head falls to the floor, a woman's voice on the video says, "Nat is mine. You're running out of time. We will be together…even in bad weather." There is a slight giggle in the background, as if the woman is pleased with her ability for rhyme. Joanie drops her wineglass, but she doesn't move. A thin, stark naked woman wearing a devil mask puts her face through the hole where Nat's bride's was just seconds before.

"Come and get it, Nasty Nat," purrs the mysterious woman.

"Oh my God!" screams Joanie, suddenly realizing that this is the woman who has been calling. "She called you Nasty Nat! How did she know that?" Joanie screams at her husband with her eyes still glued to the screen. "How does she know that I call you that? Huh?" Nat's eyes start to well up as he reaches for his wife, but she pulls away in disgust.

"Who is she?" Joanie is screaming at the top of her lungs now, her cheeks are flushed and veins are bulging out of her temples. "Answer me, jackass!" Nat is numb. He can only cover his face. Meanwhile, the woman on the screen is modeling one of Nat's bowling style "Nat" shirts from the Pit, taking it on and off, again and again, each time pressing her cleavage closer to the camera.

"How do you like them—oh shoot!" The woman accidentally knocks her colossal mammaries into the tripod holding the camcorder. "Now look what you've made me do!" Suddenly, the look of disgust on Joanie's face turns to one of horror.

"Wait a minute…that…oh, Nat!" Joanie looks on helplessly as the woman takes off her devil mask so she can readjust the tripod, not realizing, or not caring, that she is revealing her identity. It's Donna.

"This stupid thing," Donna says to herself as she puts the camera on the floor, with the lens pointing up. "Nat…now you can be my gynecologist," she laughs. Nat runs out of the room, barely dodging the vase that Joanie hurls at his head. Donna, peeping the whole time through their living room window, laughs her ass off.   


* * *

  
A few days later, Steve is driving aimlessly down the street in his convertible. He thinks about how meaningless his life is lately. Claire leaving him was harder on him than he cared to admit. Brandon was his anchor, Kelly too. He had even come to depend on David. He smiles, the wind whipping through the last remnants of his hair as he speeds through Hollywood. David used to be a pest, he thought. And then he became one of "the gang." Steve stops at a light, and all of a sudden, the passenger door opens, and a hooded stranger jumps in.

"Oh, God, no! Not my Vette!" Steve shrieks.

"Drive, you idiot, drive!" The man takes off his hood. It's David Silver.

"David…you smell!"

"Would you just go!" yells David frantically, looking all around as if he is being watched.

"David…are you wigging? Do you need a new prescrip—" Before Steve can finish, a gaggle of huge thugs comes out of nowhere and heads right for the car. One has a baseball bat. One has a tennis racket.

"Step on it!" yells David, but Steve is ahead of him. He rams on the gas, and the guy with the tennis racket goes onto the hood of the car. Not hurt at all by the impact, he steadies himself on the windshield and starts waving the racket in their faces.

"Shake him loose, Steve!" yells David, dodging the racket.

"What am I, Hutch? You get him off!" David goes to punch the thug, but instead gets whacked by the racket and goes flying into the back seat. The car goes careening off the main road and onto a side street. Steve drives maniacally, but the thug has a firm grip on the hood.

"You scratch that finish and you're a dead man!" screams Steve. The thug grunts and pulls himself into the car plops down in the passenger seat.

"Stop the car, blondie," he says calmly, like this is everyday stuff for him.

"Like hell," replies Steve, still trying to navigate the back alleys. "Look, did David piss you off? Did he escape from the loony bin? 'Cause, you can have him back!"

"Stop the car, now!" Steve comes to a dead end, the car screeches to a halt.

"I have credit cards." Steve puts his hands over his head, but the goon punches him out anyway.   


* * *

  
When Steve comes to, he is in a cheap motel room. David is passed out on the bed next to him. First thing that comes to Steve's mind is his car. He jumps up and heads for the door, ready to high tail it out, without David. Then, the door opens. The man with the tennis racket and the others come through the door.

"Look, I only got 50 bucks on me…can't we…work something out?" pleads Steve, looking for an exit. The men just ignore him, and one of them goes over to David.

"Wake up, peanut head," says the thug, nudging David brusquely with his knee. David raises his head wearily, then, realizing the situation, quickly sits up and tries to gain his composure. The tennis racket guy pushes Steve onto the bed next to David and says, "O.K., ladies. Where is it?"

"It? There is no it!" squeals Steve. "There is only me. And my car—you didn't hurt my car, did you?"

"Not you, stupid," says another guy wearily. They all look at David. "Where is the money?" David just wipes his eyes and shrugs his shoulders.

"OK, wise-ass, have it your way," says the head thug. "Search 'em." The tennis racket guy claps his hands and says, "You know the drill." Steve blushes and starts unbutton his shirt.

"Steve, what the hell are you doing?" asks David.

"I…uh…" David looks at him bizarrely and stands up to allow the tennis racket guy to pat him down. They chuckle to themselves as Steve does the same. When both guys are confirmed clean, the lead guy says to David "Do you think we're playing with you? He wants his money and he wants it now!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," says David nonchalantly.

"Oh, yeah?" The tennis racket guy makes a motion to the baseball bat guy, who quickly suckerpunches Steve.

"Shit! David, tell them anything they want to know!" cries Steve.

"You gonna give?" says thug one.

"I told ya, I don't have it!" yells David, who gets roughed up even more, until the lead guy says it's enough. Steve just cowers in the corner.

"All right, all right. You got ten days, peanut head. Ten days to come up with the money," says the lead guy.

"How much," David says, coughing up blood at the same time.

"25 grand, douchebag." David's eyes go wide.

"I only borrowed 10!"

"Shut up, David!" screams Steve, still in the corner.

"Ten days. Or your ass is mine." David is dropped on the floor and the men leave. He coughs up some more blood and spits it on the floor. Steve winces.

"David…what the hell is going on?" screams Steve, checking himself to see if he wasn't "violated" in some way while they were unconscious.

"Look, I don't have time to explain, but, uh, can I borrow some money?" Steve makes a fist, then, remembering his precious car, quickly makes his way outside. He finds his car, untouched, in the parking lot of the motel. He jumps in and drives away, ignoring David's pleas for a ride.   


* * *

  
Val goes to the Peach Pit to see Nat, figuring that he would have finally come to his senses and let her in on half of the Pit. When she sees him, he looks horrible.

"Nat, what happened to you?"

"What do you want, Valerie?" Nat growls impatiently.

"What do you think? C'mon Nat, let's be reasonable—"

"Reasonable? My wife has thrown me out of the house, I haven't seen my baby in 3 days, I got a phone call from some lawyer, and you expect me to be reasonable?" Nat slams his spatula on the grill, causing him to burn his hand. He screams, not so much for the pain of the burn, but the pain of his present life.

"Jeez…calm down," whispers Val, aware that the 20 or so customers could plainly hear them.

"Oh, shut up, Valerie. You probably put Donna up to it!"

"Don't blame me if you can't keep your pecker in your pants!" Suddenly the whole place gets real quiet.

Nat glares at Val and yells, "Get the hell out!" Val glares at Nat and rushes out, grabbing a few boxes of Nat's famous pies on her way.   


* * *

  
Brenda drives past Dylan's old house in their rental Porsche. She thinks about all the time she spent there: when she ran away from home (for 3 days), when she'd spend the night, when Dylan told her about his little "affair" with Kelly the summer she was in Paris. When she gets there it looks like no one is home, so she goes up to the house, looking around to see how nice the place looks. All of a sudden, the door opens. Startled, Brenda prepares to explain her eavesdropping and comes face to face with Andrew Lloyd Weber.   


* * *

  
Paranoid that his license plate number will be traced to his house, Steve spends the night on campus at the Keg house. The next morning he goes home, but Val isn't there to comfort him. He goes back to the Keg house, but he finds it empty. He finds a half-empty bottle of scotch and instantly starts to drink it as he drives aimlessly around town, ending up at the beach house. He takes the bottle with him up to the door and knocks.

"Steve, what are you doing here?" asks Donna when she answers the door, in her bathrobe, looking like she was hoping he was someone else.

"Don, you wouldn't believe what happened to me," he begins, attempting to make his way in the door.

"Steve, I can't talk right now, OK?"

"Come on Donna! I've had the worst day of my life!" Donna remains uninterested. "These mob guys stole my car, they beat me and David up, and they almost—"

"David? You saw David? How is he?" Donna asks, only mildly interested now.

"Nevermind." Steve takes a swig of his Scotch and starts to leave. "I just thought you were my friend that's all. But you're just like the rest of 'em." Before he can get out the door, Donna has grabbed his arm.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I'm your friend," she says. She rubs his arms and brushes up against him seductively. This completely throws Steve off. This he would expect from anyone but Donna.

"Donna?" Steve stares in amazement as Donna grabs his bottle and swallows a huge gulp, wincing as it burns her throat on the way down. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, Steve," whispers Donna as she takes another swig, then offers it back to him. He drinks more and almost drops the bottle as Donna closes the front door, suddenly unwrapping her bathrobe. His eyes nearly bulging out of his head, he backs away slowly, almost frightened of what he sees in front of him.

"See anything you like, sailor?" Donna says with a wicked grin.

"My God," says a shocked Steve as he finishes off the bottle. After the accident months before, Donna decided to go all out and get double Ds. "I knew they were big, but, not that big!" Donna turns around to give him a nice long look at her nakedness.

"You're not still mad about that little stunt I pulled with on _Jerry Springer_, are you, Stevie?" He mouths "no." Steve is completely dumbfounded.

"Donna, what are you doing? Has the dyslexia oozed into the rest of your brain?"

"You're an idiot, Steve, but you'll do anything to have this, won't you?" she says, showing off her hot bod. Steve tries to think about it, but the alcohol has set in and he can barely fight when Donna forcibly shoves her tongue down his throat. When she has kissed him long enough, she pulls away from him and says, "Get the car."

"What? What about—?"

"Get the car…now!" barks Donna as she quickly puts on a dress that was lying in a heap on the floor. "Or you're shit outta luck."

"Damn," Steve says as he hurries out the door. "You're starting to remind me of Valerie." Donna gives him the finger and follows him out the door.   


* * *

  
A drunk and confused Steve pulls up to the Peach Pit. "All right Donna, what's going on?" he says, eyes locked onto her body which is covered only by a thin gingham mini jumper, and nothing more.

"Steve, pay attention. Go get Nat and take him into the office in the AfterDark."

"Why?" asks Steve, reaching for the blurry vision in front of him.

"Steve, concentrate!" She grabs him by the ears and forces him to look at her. "Tell Nat you know about me. He'll come." Steve looks confused. Donna, exasperated, takes Steve's keys and drops them to the ground. "Oh, look at that." She gets out of the car, turns her back to him, and slowly bends over at the waist to pick up the keys. Steve bites his lower lip in anticipation as Donna's mini dress rises, giving him a glimpse of what he stands to gain should he do what she asks. He jumps out of the car, yelling "Nat! Nat!"

Steve goes behind the counter and into the storeroom, where he finds Nat opening a vat of pickles. He gives him a short "hey" and then pulls him in the direction of the AfterDark.

"Steve, what are you doing?" Nat laughs.

"Nat, my man, you gotta come with me," says Steve, slurring his words.

"Steve, you're drunk. What, another Keg party?"

"Look, Nat, I gotta talk to you right now in the office."

"Why?"

"It's about Donna, OK?" Nat's smile immediately turns into a frown.

"What do you know?" Nat says softly.

"Just come on, man," says Steve, his only concern is getting some Donna.

When they enter Val's old office, Nat says, "OK, Steve, what is it?" Steve starts to say something, then sees Donna hiding behind the door. She motions for him to take Nat into the supply closest. Steve shrugs his shoulders, totally confused. Donna points angrily to the "twins" so he will know what is his prize. As if a light bulb pops above his head, Steve instantly starts in on some story about stolen liquor and stashed money that Nat really must investigate in the closet. Steve pushes a baffled Nat into the closet. Suddenly, Donna grabs Steve's arm and slams the closet door shut, locking Nat in. When Nat sees Donna's snickering face in the closet door window, he instantly turns white as a sheet.

"Gotcha now, don't I Nat?" laughs Donna at the top of her lungs. Steve, completely wasted, doesn't even realize what's going on. Donna locks the office door. "No one can hear you scream now!" But Nat doesn't scream. He just stands there, frozen, completely terrified.

"Uh, Donna, what are you doing?" asks Steve. "Nat can't get out."

"I know." Donna smiles wickedly and approaches Steve, making sure Nat can see. "He doesn't want to get out. He wants to watch, don't' you, nasty Nat?" Donna pushes Steve onto Val's old desk and starts to pull off his clothes.

"Whoa! Don, Nat's right there!" Steve whispers, even though Nat can hear him plain as day. Nat starts to pound on the door.

"Steve, let me out of here right now! She's insane, can't you see that?" The words start to make a little bit of sense in Steve's brain, and Donna notices quickly. She steps back, turns to look at Nat, and pulls off her dress. Nat bangs harder, now screaming "Let me out! Let me out!" Donna parades herself around the office, wearing nothing but her platform espadrilles.

"You're drooling, Steve," says Donna, eyes wide and nostrils flaring. Indeed he is. Donna pushes Steve on his back.   


* * *

  
Val goes to the Peach Pit for one last appeal to Nat. She repeats Joanie's home phone number in her head, just in case she has to carry out her blackmail attempt. It hasn't been long since she quit the AfterDark, and she never did give David her keys. She looks around the empty club. She goes into the backstage area. Behind some files she finds some CDs that Luther Vandross had autographed when he had played the club as a favor to David's father. She shoves them into her purse. "I can get about 25 bucks for these," she laughs to herself, happy that she's ripped David off, in a way. She hears a noise coming from her old office. It sounds like Steve, so she goes to the door, which is locked. Valerie quietly takes out her keys.

When she opens the door, Valerie finds Donna leaning over her old desk, the double partner's desk that she special ordered for her and David. Donna is laughing and making faces at the closet door. Valerie's shocked eyes move from the naked Donna to the naked person behind her—Steve. Valerie screams.

"Shit!" screams Steve as he falls on the floor and tries to pull up his pants. Donna just laughs hysterically. Val is flabbergasted, and she hasn't even seen Nat yet.

"You bitch!" screams Val. Steve looks puzzled, as if he doesn't know to which one of them she is referring. Donna pulls her dress back on and sneers at Nat, who is trying to get Val's attention above all the yelling.

"Hey, Val, that's just tit for tat…or, I guess in our case, tit for_ tit_, huh?" Donna says amusedly, arching her back and stretching. Val calmly walks over to Donna and looks down at Steve fumbling to pull himself together. Slowly she makes a fist with her right hand and wham! Both Donna and Val scream in agony, the former from being hit in the face and the latter for breaking a nail.

"Oh, look what you made me do!" yells Val, looking for the nail tip on the floor. When she looks up, she finally sees Nat's pathetic face in the closet door glass.

"Val, open this door right now!" yells Nat.

"What are you do—" Before Val can ask she gets the wind blown out of her as Donna tackles her and brings her to the floor. Nat screams, pulling at his hair. The frustration and the lack of oxygen have started to get the best of him.

"You fucker!" screams Donna as she wrestles with Valerie. They roll around on the floor kicking and scratching one another while Nat yells from the closet. Steve is awestruck. He finally gains the wherewithal to get up and release Nat, though he never takes his eyes off the two busty women fighting over him on the floor.

"Nat…can you believe this? I knew I was hot, but—"

"You idiot!" screams Nat once he's freed. He pushes Steve out of the way and charges at Donna.

"Get your hands off me!" screams Donna as Nat pries her from Val's nails. Steve grabs a still swinging Val from the brawl.

"Now do you see that this girl needs help?" screams Nat. "She's completely insane! She's stalking me and my wife, she's crank-called my house, and now this?" Steve, hearing this for the first time, feels like a complete idiot. Val just smirks.

"You deserve each other if you ask me," Val taunts. "You two make me sick."

"Shut up! Shut up!" screams Donna. She turns to face Nat with pleading eyes. "Don't…don't you know that I love you?" Suddenly a blood-curdling scream comes from the hallway. Standing in front of at least 25 Peach Pit customers from downstairs is Joanie. Nat's face turns white.

"Damn…you…to hell!" Joanie lunges for Nat, and the two of them go crashing through the office window, plummeting to the ground below.

_End of part 1 of 3_


	2. Chapter Two

_BEV NINER, _or_, the last Beverly Hill, 90210_, part 2   
Copyright ©2000 by K. Adams   


Brenda drives like a maniac to the hotel where she and Dylan are staying. When she gets there, she finds him in the dark, sitting quietly with a picture of Kelly in one hand and a bottle in the other. She drops her purse. 

"Dylan, no," she says disappointedly. 

"Jeez, Bren." Dylan turns the lamp on, hoping that his wife will be happy to see that he's overindulged only on Arizona Ice Tea. "Happy?" 

"What about the picture, Dylan? You're looking at the picture again, Dylan!" says Brenda, her voice raised, crossing her arms. 

"Bren, we said we weren't gonna do this anymore." Dylan puts the picture back in the photo album marked "Happier Times" and shoves it under some clothes in his still packed suitcase. 

"I can't believe this. I rush home to tell you something, the first good news in a long time, I almost run into an ambulance, and this is what I find? God, Dylan, she's dead! Can't you get that through your thick, moussed head?" 

"You're insane, Bren," says Dylan, turning on the TV. "We never should've stayed here. You're suffering from twin loss complex and you don't even know it." 

"Where'd you hear that, Ricki Lake?" Dylan smirks and throws his hands up in the air. "All you do is watch the damn TV in this hotel room," she continues. "Don't you even want to see your friends?" Brenda is of course crying by now. 

"No, I don't, and you want to know why? Because it hurts!" 

"I know, Dylan, but we—" Dylan hushes his wife. On the screen are shots of the Peach Pit, the ambulance that Brenda almost hit, and a reporter talking to Valerie. 

"Ma'am, do you know the victims?" says the male reporter, holding the top-heavy microphone in a suggestive manner at Val's chest level. 

"Yes, I do. He's my business partner, Nat Buccigio. We own the Peach Pit together." Brenda and Dylan dash out the door, leaving on the TV set. 

"Can you tell us what happened, ma'am?" 

"Look, I've had a really rough day, OK? Some bitch attacked—" 

"Thank you ma'am," interrupts the reporter as he nervously turns back to the camera. "We'll have more details as this bizarre story breaks."   


* * *

  
Brenda and Dylan make their way through the zoo that the area surrounding the Peach Pit has become. No one seems to know exactly what happened. Donna is nowhere to be found. They look for Valerie, but find Steve instead. 

"Steve," yells Dylan above the ruckus, "what the hell happened?" 

"Dylan…what's up with your hair, man?" says an only partially sobered up Steve. Suddenly Valerie comes out of nowhere. 

"Brenda, Dylan, thank God you're here! What are we gonna do about Donna?" 

"What happened to Donna?" Brenda says. Steve groans and looks at his feet. 

"Well," Valerie states matter-of-factly, "she went insane after she and Nat started sleeping together—" 

"What?" scream Dylan and Brenda in unison. 

"Yeah, she seduced him or something. Then she became infatuated with him." Val lowers her voice and leans close to Brenda. "Apparently, Nat's packing a lot of heat." 

"You're crazy, Val. Donna's a virgin and she always will be," remarks Dylan. 

"Not anymore" says Val, giving Steve the evil eye. "You can attest to that, can't you…_fucker_?" Dylan and Brenda gasp in disbelief. 

"Are all you people here insane?" screams Brenda. "I can't believe this! Donna and Nat, Donna and Steve, Brandon and Kelly? I can't wait to get out of here!" 

"What do you mean, Bren?" asks Dylan, as disgusted as his wife by the news but to his dismay, somewhat amused by it. She takes her keys out of her purse. 

"That's what I came to tell you, Dylan. I've been offered the lead part in Andrew Lloyd Weber's new musical, _Mommie Dearest_. I'm flying to London for rehearsals tonight." Val turns her head to hide a smile, and Steve grunts. 

"And when were you planning to tell your husband about this?" says Dylan angrily. 

"That was the great news I had for you when I raced home. I went by your old house, and Andy--" 

"_Andy_?" 

"Andy bought your house. We got to talking, and—" 

"Oh, I see!" says Steve. "Up to your old tricks again, huh Brenda? I seem to remember you getting the part in the play freshman year the same way. That guy was a Limey too, right?" Brenda's eyes widen. Val chuckles. 

"Hey, Steve that's my wife you're talking to," says Dylan, defending his wife, although a little part of him sees Steve's point. 

"I know…who did you screw over this time, Brenda? Drew Barrymore?" With that, Dylan pushes Steve, and the two go at it. Brenda scowls and runs off for the car.   


* * *

  
Val manages to break up the scuffle between Dylan and Steve, and then she drives them all to the hospital. While waiting for news about Joanie and Nat, the subject of Donna comes up again. 

"Where is Donna anyway?" asks Dylan, rubbing his sore jaw. 

"I don't know," says Val, sneering at Steve. "Maybe she went for more condoms?" Dylan looks at Steve with disbelief. 

"I can't believe that you and Don—I don't even want to know!" 

"She tricked me…she seduced me…she got me drunk and—" 

"Oh shut up, Steve!" yells Val. "No one ever _had_ to get you drunk." Val takes a sip of her vending machine coffee. "You're such a ho." 

"Well, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle _fat_!" Val's eyes squeeze together tightly. She turns to Dylan, smiles, and tosses the boiling hot coffee in Steve's face. Steve screams like a woman and falls to the floor. Dylan giggles to himself. Just then, the doctor comes out of the emergency room. 

"Are you relatives of the Buccigios?" says the doc. 

"Uh, yes, I'm Nat's business partner, Dr.…Jarvis" Val says as she reads the young man's name card. "How are they?" 

"You bitch!" screams Steve, still on the floor with his hands over his face. The doctor looks down at Steve. 

"Does he need medical attention?" asks the doctor. 

Val shrugs her shoulders. "I suppose," she says. The doc calls for some orderlies to help Steve up. They drag Steve, crying like a baby, into a nearby cubicle. 

"So, doc, what's the prognosis on Nat and Joanie?" asks a nearly fed up Dylan. 

"Well, they're both in serious condition. Luckily, the office they fell out of was only two stories above the ground. We're stabilizing them, but at this point it's too soon to tell." 

"Can we see them?" asks Val, batting her eyelashes. 

"Well, only next of kin are supposed to..." Val moves closer and runs her foot up the doc's leg. 

"I won't tell. Promise." 

"Well, alright, but only one at a time, and only for a minute." 

"Go ahead, Val. Go see your business partner," Dylan says sarcastically. Val ignores the remark and follows the doctor. Dylan sits back down and looks out into space. He considers trying to call his wife, but then the ER doors burst open and paramedics rush in with a stretcher. Dylan jumps out of the way to give them room, and happens to get a glimpse as they pass by of the person on the stretcher. It's David Silver. 

"Oh, my God! I know that guy!" Dylan yells out to the paramedics. 

"Then you'd better call his next of kin," answers one of the medics as they give David's vitals to the attending staff. 

"How much does he need?" Dylan starts to roll up his sleeves. 

"All he needs is a lawyer," says the medic with the pen and clipboard. "Unless they decide not press charges. That Hamburgler whooped your friends ass!" 

"What?" Dylan looks baffled. Then he notices that David, while not bleeding or bruised in any way, is strapped into the stretcher, wearing a white straitjacket. 

"Micky-D's don't mess around," says the first medic as he gobbles down some fries. He notices Dylan eyeing the plastic happy meal toy stuffed in David's mouth. "We have to do that—keeps them from swallowing their tongues." 

Dylan shakes his head. "Brenda was right," he says to himself. "They've all gone insane."   


* * *

  
"Nat…Nat…can you hear me?" Val touches Nat's hand to try to stir a response. With great difficulty Nat opens his eyes. 

"Do you remember Valerie, your business partner, Mr. Buccigio?" says Dr. Jarvis slowly. Nat starts to try to move and speak, but the doctor gives him a shot of something to quiet him. 

"You'd better leave now, Ms. Malone," says the doctor. "He won't be able to see visitors until tomorrow, if not later." 

"Ok." Val starts to leave, then, turning back says, "if he wakes up again, tell him not to worry. I've got the Peach Pit totally under control."   


* * *

  
The next day Val wakes up early to open the Peach Pit at 7 am. Her first order of business as the fill-in proprietress is to call all the employees to let them know that she is now in charge. She gives them all her revised schedule of hours. They don't question; with Nat and Joanie in the hospital and David God knows where, there really is no one else to take command. After running errands, which include stopping at Barnes & Noble to pick up _Fast restaurant management_, she returns to the Peach Pit, where she runs into Dylan. 

"Dylan…long time no see," Val jokes, touching Dylan's arm a little too much. He grunts, sips his coffee, and opens up a newspaper. 

"How 'bout that scene last night, huh? Brenda sure flew out of here in a hurry." 

"Uh-huh." 

"Real loyal wife you got there," she says under her breath. 

"Val—" Dylan starts to get angry, then, as if going through some mental relaxation exercise in his head, he calms down. "I see you're running the Peach Pit and the club. I thought I heard through the grapevine that you and David parted company." 

"Well, you heard wrong," Val says as she goes behind the counter. 

"Right." He looks down at his paper. The front page reads "New York Virellis take hold in L.A." Val tries unsuccessfully to steer his attention back to her. 

"Virelli…Virelli…how do I know that name?" he whispers to himself. 

"As in Victoria Virelli," Val answers. "Jeez, where've you been? Oh, I forgot. You're Eurotrash now." 

"You mean the woman Brandon married?" Dylan asks, ignoring the comment. 

"Yeah, that's her all right. She married Brandon, Kelly freaked out, and now they're both dead. So much for happy endings, huh?" 

Dylan scowls at her. "That's not funny, Val." 

"Sorry," she says, semi-truthfully. "I guess it makes you think about when your dad got blown up, too." 

"Always the tactful one, Val," Dylan says, still reading the paper. "I can't believe the police could never prove that she murdered Brandon and Kelly. They don't even care about the case. It's my dad all over again." 

"Really? I thought _the man_ blew up your dad," Val sasses. Dylan rolls his eyes as Val takes the paper and reads aloud. " 'The notorious Virelli mob family is under investigation by the L.A. County prosecutor's office. It is rumored that the FBI has witnesses that could testify against the Virelli family.' How interesting." 

"I've had about enough of you for two days," Dylan says as he gets up from the counter to pay for his coffee. "You better take good care of the Pit while Nat recovers." 

"You mean _if_ he recovers," Val says unemotionally. Dylan scowls at her. "Oops. Did I say that?"   


* * *

  
Val comes home to an empty house. She hits the button on the answering machine. As she walks into the kitchen she hears a woman's voice. 

_Valerie Malone…this is Victoria Virelli. I need to speak to you. It's very important. I'll be in touch soon._

"I wonder what she wants," Val asks herself. Beep!_ Val…Val…you bitch! I'm in the hospital with second, no, THIRD degree burns. I'm gonna sue your ass 'til you beg me to come crawling back. David's in the psycho ward again—I heard he needed to be detained after he woke up. _Val rolls her eyes. _Oh, yeah. I'm getting released day after tomorrow, so, can you come pick me up? _Beep!   


* * *

  
The following night Val returns to the Pit after closing to "borrow" some petty cash. When she heads for her car, she is startled by a white stretch limousine in the parking lot. A handsome chauffeur gets out and removes his hat. 

"Ms. Malone?" he asks politely. 

"Depends on who's asking." 

"Ms. Malone, Victoria Virelli would like to see you." 

"I don't make a habit of getting into strange limos," she says with a smile. 

"Just following orders, ma'am." He opens the door for her. 

"So," says Val, flirting with the driver as he pulls away. "Are you Michael…or are you Fredo?" He chuckles to himself and looks in the rear-view mirror directly into her eyes. 

"I'm Noah, ma'am."   


* * *

  
Noah takes Val to a restaurant on Melrose. She goes upstairs, where she finds Victoria sitting alone at a table, quietly enjoying a jazz trio on the tiny stage. In the corner two bodyguards keep a steady vigil. The place is nearly empty. 

"You sure know how to pick the hired help," says Val as she sits down and waves over a waiter. 

"You weren't followed, were you?" Val starts to say no, but stops short when a handsome man comes to their table. 

"Welcome to _Kyle's_, ladies. I'm Kyle. What can I get you?" Both women give him a toothy grin. He takes their orders and starts a rather friendly chat until a very pouty woman interrupts them. 

"Kyle, I need you…downstairs in the kitchen," she says coldly. 

"Taylor…I'll be there in a minute." He looks perturbed. She grumbles. 

"Don't worry, honey. We'll get him back to you in one piece," Val says wickedly as she lays a hand on the proprietor's well-chiseled biceps. 

"Mind you own business, busty," cracks Taylor, indicating Val's low-cut, tight-fitting halter-top. Val smiles crookedly, not knowing whether to slap her or make her a new buddy. Victoria leans over to Val. 

"You could so kick her ass," Victoria says. 

"Don't worry about it," says Val with a smile. Kyle reluctantly follows Taylor towards the steps leading to the downstairs restaurant. "Nice to meet you Kyle…and, uh, ma'am?" Taylor stops without turning around. Kyle cringes. "I know a doctor who specializes in emergency collagen removal…want his number?"   


* * *

  
"Let me make this quick," Victoria says as she downs her martini. "I've got enough to worry about with this stupid investigation. I need you to keep your eyes and ears open." 

"For…what?" asks Val. 

"Anything…unusual. At the house. Anything missing, any strange calls, whatever." 

"The house? What for? Does this have anything to do with Brandon's death?" 

Victoria lowers her voice. "Yes, Val. But you can't tell anyone. We're so close to finding out who _really_ murdered my husband." Victoria eyes an attractive man nearby, and Val notices. 

"We all want to find out who murdered Brandon. And Kelly too…right?" 

"Yeah, yeah, Kelly, too. Whatever, just keep your eyes open, Val." Victoria summons her men to the table. 

"Oh…just one…little…thing," says Val as politely as she can. "What do I get for my trouble?" Victoria puts on her sunglasses. 

"You get $100,000…and you get to stay alive."   


* * *

  
The next morning when Val goes to open up, she finds a homeless person sleeping on the front step. Upon closer examination she sees that it's David, escaped from the psychiatric ward. 

"David! What the hell are you doing here?" Val clutches her purse tightly. 

"I own the club next door, remember?" He stands up and scratches his closely shaved head. 

"You look awful. What happened to you?" David has bruises all over him and seems to be limping. 

"I'm in a little trouble, Val," says David as they walk into the Peach Pit. He lays down in one of the booths. "Real big trouble." He clutches his ribs and winces as he inhales. Looking around, he adds, "What has Nat done to the place? Where is he anyway?" 

"Nevermind that now. You say you're in trouble…money trouble?" Val smiles. 

"Is there any other kind? You can't tell anyone about this, OK?" David looks sincere. Val makes a zipper motion over her lips. "I owe someone 25 Gs." 

"My God, David. You're such an idiot," says Valerie as she counts the money in the cash register. 

"I know, I know, Val. I was desperate. I was gonna lose the club." David goes into the back to find some food. 

"So I'm guessing that you can't pay it back…and those bruises on you face are friendly statements from the bank telling you you're overdrawn, right?" calls Val from the front. 

"Real funny—what the hell kinda food is this? Who wants fucking quiche at the Peach Pit?" David shakes his head and tears into a vat of dill pickles. "To make a long story short, I gotta come up with the money in a week. Or I'm dead." 

"Why don't you just give it back?" asks Val. 

"I can't!" Val's eyes open even wider. 

"You couldn't have snorted $25,000 worth of coke!" 

"Would you shut up?" David yells. Val just shakes her head disappointedly. "I used most of it to pay back my vendors," he says when he's calmed down. Val isn't convinced. "Then I woke up in Vegas and—" 

"Don't…tell me. I don't even want to know anymore," says Val, holding her hand in front of David's face. 

"So I gotta come up with $25,000…or they're gonna kill me." 

"Damn, David," says Valerie with her trademark mock concern in her voice. "You're fucked." He shakes his head in agreement. "What if…nah!" 

"What if what, Val? C'mon, I'm desperate! Can you help me?" Val turns her head from David and smiles. 

"You need a partner, David. Obviously you're not stable enough to run a club by yourself. I'd offer myself, but I've got my hands full with the Peach Pit, and since I won't be needing to work pretty soon--" 

"What?" asks David. "You coming into money? Did you blackmail some politician or something?" 

"Nevermind. I meant Dylan, dumb-ass. You know he's not going anywhere, now that Brenda's off ruining her career. I'm sure he'd buy you out and let you run the place." 

"Maybe you're right, Val," says David as he stuffs some leftover turkey burgers into his droopy pants. "By the way, do you have any prescription drugs?"   


* * *

  
Later, Steve is ready to be released from the hospital, with nary a scar on his face. While waiting for dependable Janet Sosna to pick him up, he decides to visit Nat, whom he's heard has been improving. 

"Hey, Nat." Steve pauses for a second. The sight of Nat hooked up to machines and suspended upside down is almost too much for him. 

"Steve…nice to see a friendly face," Nat says with more than a little discomfort. They chat for a few minutes. Neither one wants to discuss the "incident." 

"Have you seen Joanie?" Nat asks somberly. 

"Not yet." Steve plays with the gadgets connected to Nat's bed. "I haven't left my room much since I was admitted." He notices the confused look on Nat's face. "Yeah, Valerie, that bitch, tossed boiling coffee in my face the night you guys flew out the window." He doesn't seem to notice how uncomfortable his frankness makes Nat, because just then a raven-haired nurse appears in the doorway. 

"Time for your sponge bath, Mr. Buccigio," she whispers. She goes into the adjoining bathroom and begins running some water. Steve calls after her. 

"I won't stay for that…but you know, I'm a patient here as well…and I sure could use a nice sponge bath." He giggles and pokes the upside-down Nat, who is in too much pain to even notice. 

"Steve, be a pal and go check on my Joanie, would ya?" Steve pats his dear friend on the head and goes off in search of Joanie's room. He comes upon the head floor nurse and inquires about the sweet young thing assigned to Nat's room. She refers to her chart. 

"All the patients on this floor have had their baths today." 

"Well then who…" Steve's face whitens and he dashes back to Nat's room. He bursts through the locked door and freezes when he finds Joanie, in a wheelchair in a total body cast, with Nat's nurse pointing a gun to her head. 

"Oh my God!" yells Steve. "You're not really a nurse, are you?" 

"Steve, you idiot! It's Donna...agh!" Nat screams in pain. Joanie pleads with her bloodshot eyes, the only part of her visible through her mummy-like encasement. Donna's arms tremble as she points the gun alternately at Joanie, Steve, Nat, and her own head. 

"Get out of here, Steve!" Screams Donna through the long, black wig. "Just leave us alone!" 

"Donna...you're wigging out...no pun intended. You need help!" 

"I don't need your help!" screams Donna, pointing the gun at Steve. "I only need two things." She looks at Nat. 

"You crazy bi--" he yells, twisting and turning on his inverted hospital bed. "You belong in the loony bin with Silver!" 

"Oh, Natty!" Donna laughs. Steve tries to grab for the gun, but Donna quickly eludes his grip. "Don't f with me, Sanders!" Steve gives up rather quickly, puts his hands over his head and sits himself down on the other bed. Donna quickly locks the door again. 

"As I was saying," Donna says as she removes her wig with one hand and points the gun at Nat with the other, "I only want 2 things: Nat in my bed." She turns slowly to face Joanie. "And Nat's wife dead!" 

"No! Please!" screams Nat, trying to free himself from the bed. Donna approaches the mummified woman. 

"Donna, don't do it!" Steve screams, from a safe distance. 

"Why shouldn't I?" Donna cocks the gun. "I mean, with her gone, my life will be perfect. I'll have Nat—" 

"Never!" yells Nat as he tries to push the nurse call button with his nose. 

"I'll have half the Peach Pit--" 

"Don't listen to her Joanie!" 

"Oh, honey." Donna lowers the gun momentarily as she turns to look at her love. "Don't worry. I'd be a wonderful stepmother to your little brat." Suddenly a man runs into the room and tackles Donna. They wrestle with the gun and, suddenly, a shot goes off. 

"Oh my God!" screams Donna. The man rolls over in agony on his back. It's David Silver. 

"Donna...how could you?" He clutches his stomach; a trickle of blood runs out of his mouth. Donna drops the gun and throws herself on David while Steve makes a speedy escape. 

"Oh, David...what have I done?" She bawls. She lifts his head up and begins to kiss him. "I never stopped loving you, David. I never even loved Nat, I swear. Please don't die." 

"Donna...Donna" he moans as his eyes roll back into his head. 

"David, listen to me! Don't go! Do you hear me!" She opens his eyes with her fingernails to force him to look at her. "_Keep it together...keep it together_"* she sings through her tears. 

"You...remembered," he whispers. 

"David, I'll do anything, I'll donate blood--" She looks up at the still terrified Joanie. "I'll donate her blood...I'll do anything!" 

"Will you," David can barely get the words out. "Will you...get...triple Ds?" 

"Oh, David!" Donna covers David with kisses, only stopping when the police come to take her away.   


* * *

  
Later that day, Val comes home and quickly realizes that she is not alone. She quietly climbs the stairs, flings open the door to her room, and nearly faints when she catches Brandon and Kelly going through her things. Brandon tilts his head and says, "Val, would you like to tell us what the hell you're up to?" 

Aghast, Val screams, "Me? You two are supposed to be dead!" 

"Sorry to disappoint you, Val," says Kelly sarcastically. She holds up one of Val's favorite bras that she happened upon while snooping. "Damn…I didn't know Victoria's Secret made that cup size." 

"You fucking bitch!" screams Val as she slaps the bra out of Kelly's hands. "You fake your own deaths, you put your friends and families through hell? For what?" 

"We have our reasons, Val," states Brandon, still looking through Val's stuff. 

"Really?" Val crosses her arms. "Is it FBI, CIA, or KGB?" Brandon and Kelly look at each other and mouth _KGB_? "Oh, you know what I mean, you fucks!" 

"I can't believe you're taking sides with the mob," Kelly says. 

"Better to be a loyal soldier than a snitch," Val says loudly, like she's trying to impress someone. "What do you have to gain from all of this anyway?" 

"Our lives," Brandon says. "The FBI knew that Victoria wanted Kelly dead. They've been infiltrating that family for months now. So they saved us from the trap set up by the Virellis. So we're doing what we can to put them all away." 

"Oh, Brandon, don't be so naïve. The feds can't protect you. Look at Dylan's dad!" 

"What are you gonna do about it?" Kelly asks defiantly. 

"I'm doing what I have to do," she says coldly. Val heads toward the hallway. Kelly closes the door. 

"Where do you think you're going, Valerie?" Kelly gets in her face. 

"Get outta my way, honey. I've got a hundred thou to collect." 

"Is that so?" Kelly says with new toughness. "You're not going to tell anyone anything!" 

"Just watch me." Val tries to push Kelly aside, but she doesn't budge. "Move, ho!" 

"Over my dead body," Kelly says as she nudges Val. Val turns to Brandon, then back to Kelly. 

"Nothing would make me happier." Before the "bitch" even completely exits Kelly's mouth, her hand makes contact with Val's face. The two begin to tangle. 

"C'mon, ladies…this won't solve anything!" screams Brandon. 

"I've been waiting for this for years," Kelly says as she throws a jab. She misses, but gets her diamond ring, the one Brandon gave her, the one that started this entire mess, caught in Val's hair. 

"Owww! Stop it!" Val pushes Kelly to the ground, along with a few strands of her own hair. "You're gonna pay for that!" Brandon goes to help Kelly, still swinging, to her feet, but gets in the way of an open-handed bitch-slap, and Kelly's fingernails land deep inside the thicket of Brandon's hair. 

"Get it out! Get it out!" squeals Brandon. Kelly tries to free herself from Brandon's helmet-like coif. 

"Dammit, Brandon! What you got up there? Gel? Mousse? Shellac?" Val looks amused. 

"Gee, Bran. All this to keep Kelly out of the line of fire…was it worth it?" Kelly makes a lunge for Val, but Val is too quick and heads for the door. Just as she grabs for the knob, it turns slowly. The three quit their squabbling and look on silently as the door opens. 

"Hello, Brandon." 

"My God, Victoria." Brandon can barely get the words out. "What are you doing here?" He slowly moves in front of Kelly. Victoria smiles. 

"What's the matter, honey? Aren't you glad to see your wife?" She takes a step towards them as they take a step back. 

"C'mon Brandon, let's get out of here," Kelly says, trying to remain calm. 

"Why did you do it?" Victoria asks. "Why did you fake your death? Was I too much woman for you? Did that blonde bimbo brainwash you?" Kelly laughs, pulls out of Brandon's grip, and faces Victoria. 

"I know you were the one that tried to kill me." Victoria shrugs her shoulders. "Ah…don't even try to pretend it wasn't you. You'll get what's coming to you." 

"Kel, that's enough. Let's go," says Brandon. He reaches for Kelly's hand. 

"You'll leave…when I say you can leave." Victoria reaches inside her purse. 

"Oh, God! Please don't shoot me!" squeals Val, who by now has inched her way nearly inside the adjacent bathroom. Victoria rolls her eyes and pops a stick of Juicy Fruit. 

"Gee, Vicki, you're some tough chick," says Kelly as she and Brandon slowly move towards the door. Victoria grabs Brandon by the arm. 

"How could you betray me like this, Brandon?" He doesn't even look at her. "All I ever did was love you." Kelly laughs. 

"Victoria, it's over!" says Brandon angrily. "You've got to pay for what you've done." 

"Brandon, do you really think I can just let you walk out of here and destroy my entire family?" Brandon and Kelly turn white. "That won't happen, you must know that." 

"We're not afraid of you," Kelly smirks. Val's hand shoots up in the air. 

"Speak for yourself, tramp!" Val jumps to Victoria's side. "I'd just like to say that…uh…if you'd like to take over the Peach Pit, or you need someone to front for …something…then, you can always count on me, Victoria. I'm a stand-up kinda girl." 

"Funny," says Victoria. "That's just what Tom said." Kelly bites her lip to keep from laughing. 

"_My_ Tom?" asks Val. "What are you talking about? He's in New York now!" 

"Who do you think put him there? It costs me a pretty penny keeping him in that cozy condo in Manhattan. But it's well worth it. _Well_ worth it." Victoria smiles at the thought of Tom. She'd almost forgotten about him. 

"You didn't!" 

"Oh, I did," says Victoria as she steps in front of the door, blocking Kelly and Brandon from any escape. "I just couldn't resist such a nice ass. Sorry Brandon, " she smirks. Val's face turns red. 

"You see Brandon?" Kelly taunts, "she never even loved you. She's a sick, evil woman." 

"Sticks and stones, skank. I did love Brandon." Victoria turns to him and says barely above a whisper. "I still do." Brandon's face softens and Kelly notices immediately. 

"You're not buying this, are you Brandon?" A smile creeps across Victoria's face. 

"I do, Bran. That never changed. I don't want to hurt you...or your ho." Kelly scowls. 

"Are you admitting that you tried to kill us, Victoria?" asks Brandon. 

"Well..." she smiles at them all. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do." 

"My thoughts exactly!" Kelly opens up the lapel of her shirt to reveal a small mike with a wire connected to it. Victoria's smirk quickly turns sour as the sound of feet trampling up the steps fills the room. Before Victoria can move, the door bursts open. 

"Hold it right there, Virelli!" 

"Noah! What the hell?" screams a totally confused Victoria. Three more men in FBI jackets burst in after him and quickly begin to read Victoria her rights. 

"You're going down, Virelli. I'm gonna see to it," says Noah as he puts away his badge. Brandon and Kelly hold each other while Val stands off in the corner, still trying to get the image of Victoria and Tom out of her mind. 

"You people are making such a huge mistake," says Victoria calmly. Val walks over to her slowly. 

"No, Vicky, you're the one who made a mistake!" She points her finger accusingly in Victoria's face. "When you mess with Tom, you mess with me." Victoria looks Val square in the eye. 

"Take…your...finger...out...of...my...face." A bead of sweat forms at Val's brow. Victoria smirks. "Such bad manners...must run in the family, huh?" Val's eyes open wide, and before she can control herself she slaps Victoria. Everyone gasps as a huge pink welt appears on the Mafia princess's face. Val is as surprised as everyone else. Victoria leans in very close and whispers something in Val's ear before Noah and the other FBI men escort her out the door. Val collapses into a nearby chair. 

"Val," Brandon says after a long pause, "what did Victoria say to you?" Val looks up with terror in her eyes. 

"She said…'You're dead.'"   


* * *

  
"Get your hands off me!" Donna screams to the cops as they force her into a Beverly Hills police station holding cell. "I want to call my lawyer, you fascists!" The cops giggle to themselves and lock the cell door. Donna instantly begins to pace back and forth. After a few minutes, she remembers what she did to David. She sits on the narrow cot by the wall and begins to sob. A few minutes later, the sound of keys fills the air. Donna jumps to her feet. 

"Can I go home now?" 

"We brought you some company, Sybil!" They chuckle to themselves. They open the cell door quickly push a woman inside. Donna gasps. 

"Victoria Virelli...what are you doing here?" Donna asks as she wipes the mascara stains from her face. 

"Don't worry, babe. I won't be staying." She turns the officers. "I want my phone call—right now." 

"Yeah, and me!" Donna waves her hand. "I need my phone call!" The officers completely ignore Donna, but one of them nods to Victoria. She sits down on the cot across from Donna and lights up a cigarette. 

"D'ya mind? I'm allergic," Donna says nervously. Victoria ignores the remark while looking Donna up and down. 

"So, what are you in here for, Dina?" 

"That's Donna." 

"Whatever. What did you do, mismatch your blacks? Fashion police after you?" Donna's eyes well up again. 

"I...I...killed my true love." Victoria's eyebrows perk up instantly. 

"Really? Not that little rap wannabe?" 

"Oh, God!" Donna buries her face in the tiny pillow on the cot and sobs as Victoria finishes her cigarette. Suddenly one of the guards opens the door. Victoria stands up. 

"I need to make a few calls, actually, " she says without looking up. 

"Sit down, Virelli!" Victoria is flabbergasted until she sees the face that belongs to the voice. 

"Well, well, well...Captain Noah. I hope you're not too attached to your job," she teases. 

"Don't worry about me, Virelli. You should be worrying about you and your family." The playful smile drops from Victoria's face. 

"Don't ever threaten my family, copper," she says seriously. They share a tense moment. Noah's stern face softens a bit. 

"If you're innocent, then you have nothing to fear." Victoria puts her hand through the bars and touches Noah's. 

"I knew you couldn't be all bad." Noah doesn't pull away, and a light bulb goes off over Victoria's head. 

"Hey...hey!" The two barely notice Donna sobbing in the background. "What about my boyfriend? Did I really...kill...him?" Noah remembers himself finally, blushing when he discovers that he had been staring into Victoria's eyes. 

"Oh, yeah...Martin, right?" He motions to someone out of view. "You got a visitor." Donna rushes forward, only to be stopped dead in her tracks when she sees David. 

"Oh my God!" Donna gasps. She stretches her unmanicured fingers through the cell bars to touch his face. "You're alive. I didn't kill you!" 

"Nope. I'm still here, Donna." David takes something from behind his back. It's the gun she used to shoot him. 

"No! David, no! Please, don't! I'll get quadruple Ds!" Donna screams as she backs away from David. 

"Oh, please," sighs Victoria. She quickly snatches the gun from David, points it at Donna's feet and pulls the trigger. Donna screams as a bee-bee grazes her exposed toe. David chuckles. Victoria lights up another cigarette. 

"But," stammers Donna, "but I thought I'd shot you! I saw the blood!" 

"Yeah…I…sorta bit a huge chunk out of my tongue when I heard the gun go off," David admits. Victoria rolls her eyes. 

"Wimp. How stupid are you?" Victoria asks David. "Wait, don't answer. How stupid is everyone in California?" 

"Not everyone is as acquainted with the wrong side of the law as you, Virelli," Noah pipes in to their defense. 

"Give me a break, Noah. And while you're at it, go get me a Diet Coke?" Noah shakes his head and walks away. Donna hangs her head in shame. 

"I've been acting like a crazy person. I don't know what happened. All that business with Nat…what was I thinking?" David rubs the stubble on his smiling face. Donna presses her face through the bars and bats her eyes. "Now we can finally be together…the way we were meant to be." 

"Donna," David says, lowering his voice, "you must be crazier than me and my mom put together if you think that we're getting back together." Donna's eyes start to tear up, again. "Even though you were too dumb to use a real gun, you still fucked up--majorly. Lucky for you, I'm in a good mood today." 

"What do you mean?" Donna asks as she wipes her face. David looks around quickly to make sure Noah is out of earshot. 

"I'll help you stay out of jail, Donna. And it'll only cost you 25 grand."   


* * *

  
David walks to the front door of the Martin house. He rings the doorbell and rubs the day-old stubble on his face. A girl in a leotard answers the door. 

"Yeah, I have an appointment with Felice," David mumbles, still hungover from the previous night. 

"You must be David. I'm Donna's cousin, Gina Kincaid." She extends her hand, but is shoved aside as Donna pushes her way past and into David's arms. 

"Oh, David," she whispers. "You're here to take me away, aren't you? Tell me you still love me, David." Just then the Martins appear in the doorway. 

"Donna, have a little dignity," says Felice. "How can you love this…_boy_?" 

"I'll always love David…and he'll always love me…right?" Donna looks into David's eyes for assurance. When he doesn't respond, she steps back and pushes her chest into his face. "_Right_?" 

David laughs. "How can I resist such bodacious ta-tas?" As he reaches for Donna's goodies, her mother quickly interrupts. 

"This is how," she says, sticking a check in his face. "I believe this is what you _really_ came here for, isn't it, Mr. Silver?" David's eyes gloss over. 

"David? David, what's my mother talking about?" Donna says as her eyes begin to water. 

"Didn't you know, Don?" Gina chimes in. "Your mother agreed to pay David $25 grand to stay away from you—_forever_." Donna shakes her head slowly in disbelief. 

"No…David…" she says as she tries to touch him. "It's not true." David takes the check and looks at it greedily. 

"Oh, its true, Donna," says Felice matter-of-factly. "Believe me, we're doing you a favor. He's been nothing but trouble for you since day one." 

"How could you do this, mother? After all I've been through?" sobs Donna. 

"After all _you've_ been through?" Gina grabs Donna's arm. "I'd kill to have a mother that could afford to pay my drug-addicted, psychotic boyfriend to stay away from me. You're such a spoiled brat!" 

"Stay out of this, you piece of trash!" Donna takes hold of David's face and forces him to look at her. "David…tell them that you love me more than this money. Tell them that everything we've been through—high school…college…your insanity…dry humping—is worth more than this little piece of paper." 

David spaces out for a moment, as if his and Donna's life together passes before his eyes in a blur. His gaze turns to the check in his hand, then back to Donna. 

"Well?" whispers Donna. "Tell them." He looks at Donna's mother. 

"I'll give you an extra grand," she says, writing out a new check. 

"Deal!" David grabs the second check and runs off towards a waiting taxi. For about a minute there is complete silence. 

"Wow," smirks Gina. "I didn't think he'd actually take it. What an asshole." 

"Shut up! Shut up!" Donna breaks out in huge sobs. Felice closes her checkbook. 

"Oh, stop it, Donna. If I hadn't paid him off, he would have testified against you and you would've gone to jail." 

"Where you'd _definitely_ be somebody's bitch," Gina chimes in. 

"Please, Gina, you're not helping—why don't you go get your cousin a glass of water, hmm?" Felice says as she tries to embrace Donna without success. Gina mumbles something under her breath and stomps away. 

"Why?" Donna sobs loudly. "Why is everyone against me?" She runs into her father's arms. 

"There, there now, honey. Everything is going to be ok," her father says while petting her head. "You can always come work for me." 

"Yes, there's always that," says Felice. She closes the front door. "Good riddance to David Silver. Thank God you never slept with him." Donna faints.   


* * *

  
In late autumn Valerie pushes her way through the maze of journalists and photographers outside the L.A. County Courthouse. She tries in vain to get her picture taken, but to her dismay, no one seems to care. Then one reporter stops her. 

"Miss Malone! Miss Malone! Do you wish to make a statement?" asks the reporter just as Val enters the building. Valerie turns around and leans in close to the outstretched microphone. 

"I just want justice to be served. I hope they put Victoria Virelli away for a long time," she says as she looks for the correct camera to face. The reporter looks at her notes. 

"Would you like to address the rumors that you were secretly working for the Virellis once they suspected Brandon Walsh and Kelly Taylor were still alive?" she asks. Valerie's smirk disappears. 

"Where did you hear that" Val asks accusingly. A few more reporters begin to take interest.   
"Miss Malone, is it true that you were in love with Brandon Walsh?" 

"Miss Malone, is it true that you approached the Virellis about having Kelly Taylor murdered?" 

"Miss Malone, did the Virellis pay for your implants?" Valerie turns in a huff and rushes through the door. When she is finally allowed inside the courtroom of the Virelli trial, Kelly has taken the witness stand. 

"And then what happened, Miss Taylor?" asks Matt Durning, the handsome young attorney prosecuting the case. 

"Victoria admitted that she arranged to have us killed." Valerie looks over at Victoria, who, sitting next to her father on the defense side, is nonchalantly filing her nails. One of the other prosecutors of the team then hands Matt a tape recorder. The full courtroom collectively shifts in their seats. The tape recorder is admitted into evidence. The Virelli attorneys whisper to one another, but father and daughter look undaunted. 

"Miss Taylor, tell the court if you recognize this voice," says Matt confidently. He sets the recorder down behind her microphone, presses the play button, and turns the volume to full blast. The recording from the wire Kelly was wearing the day Victoria was arrested then starts to play. 

_Hello, Brandon._

_My God, Victoria. What are you doing here?_

_What's the matter, honey? Aren't you glad to see your wife? _Click. 

"That's Brandon Walsh…and Victoria Virelli," Kelly says. Matt plays more of the tape for the jury. The Virellis remain calm. 

_You'll leave when I say you can leave._

_Oh, God! Don't shoot me! _The jury looks alarmed, and Matt stops the tape. Kelly sees Val in the back and smiles. "That was Valerie Malone reacting to Victoria pulling something out of her purse—a piece of gum." A wave of laughter fills the courtroom. Val slides down in her seat. The judge stifles a chuckle and presses Matt to continue. He pushes play again. 

_Brandon, do you really think I can just let you walk out of here and destroy my entire family? That won't happen, you must know that. _Matt stops playback and turns toward the jury. 

"Miss Taylor, whose voice was that?" 

"Victoria Virelli." A buzz fills the courtroom, and the judge has to smack her gavel a few times to quiet the room. Matt plays the rest of the tape, including Victoria's admission of an affair with Tom. Val opens a magazine over her face. Then Matt pauses. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what I'm about to play will prove that Victoria Virelli admitted to the attempted murder of Kelly Taylor and Brandon Walsh." Silence falls as Matt presses play once more. 

_Are you admitting that you set us up, Victoria?_

_Well_—then muffled sounds interrupt Victoria's voice. Matt and the other lawyers look confused. Then a man's voice comes on the tape. 

_You're goin' down, Virelli._

_Who? Me? But I'm innocent. _It's Victoria again, but her voice sounds different, almost flirtatious. _You know that. I've been set up, haven't I? And you'll let me go if I do this?_

_You're goin' down, Virelli_, the man's voice repeats. 

_Whatever you say_—_Captain Noah._ The prosecutors quickly turn their attention to Agent Noah Hunter, who looks as surprised as they do. His eyes widen. On the tape, a zipper unzips loudly, as Noah's voice repeats, _you're goin' down, Virelli._ The courtroom is absolutely silent as the tape progresses with its pornographic soundtrack. Matt lunges for the cassette player but the judge waves him away. The Virellis and their lawyers share a triumphant grin. 

_Are you almost done, Captain Noah_, asks Victoria, almost gagging. 

_Don't worry about me, Virelli. You should be worrying about you—_and then the moans quicken and finally come to a rhapsodic end. An audible gulp on the tape prompts a collective groan. One by one people turn to look at Noah, who by now is completely white. 

_So you admit, Cap'n Noah, that the FBI knows that my family is innocent? And now you'll drop these stupid charges?_ Victoria's voice sounds as if she's reading the morning newspapers. 

_You have nothing to fear. _The tape shuts off. Matt picks up the recorder and stares at it blankly. 

Kelly turns to the judge. "I don't fucking believe this." 

_End of part 2 of 3_   
_* "Keep it together" was some song David Silver wrote in the next to last season_


	3. Chapter Three

_BEV NINER, _or_, the Last Beverly Hill, 90210,_ part 3   
Copyright ©2000 by K. Adams   


EPILOGUE…May 2000.

The street in front of the Walsh house is jam packed as friends, relatives, former lovers, and sunglassed security men arrive for the much anticipated, much delayed wedding of Brandon Walsh and Kelly Taylor. After Brandon came back Jim and Cindy had decided not to sell the house after all. Instead they rented it to Steve, his new wife Janet, and Matt Durning, the attorney who nearly a year ago had tried in vain to prosecute the Virelli family.

Kelly stands in front of the dresser in Brenda's old bedroom and stares at herself in the mirror. She runs her fingers over the silk dress that Donna had designed for her and Fed-exed from the resort where she'd been since her breakdown. Val enters.

"Kel, are you ready yet? Or have you finally realized that Brandon's too good for you?" Val snickers.

"Even _you_ can't ruin my mood today, Val." Kelly checks her hair and makeup one last time. Then someone knocks on the door. "C'mon in, mom."

"It's not your mom." Kelly turns around to find Steve and David fidgeting in their ill-fitting tuxes.

"Hey, guys. How's Brandon holding up?"

"He's nervous as hell. Who can blame him?" Steve sighs.

"I'd be nervous, too, if my murdering ex-wife was out to get me at my wedding. Is there room for a bullet-proof vest under that dress?" quips Val. Steve and David motion for her to shut up, as if she were saying something Kelly didn't already know.

"C'mon, Val. You know the Virellis haven't set foot in Beverly Hills since the trial. Besides, if anyone without an invitation shows up, the security brute squad outside will nail 'em," Steve reassures.

"If you say so," Val says. "Just don't expect me to stand too close to you, Kel."

"Steve," Kelly yells, finally, "could you please escort my maid of honor—God help me—out of here, before I kill her?" Val smiles crookedly. Steve grabs Val's arm.

"C'mon, you. We'll find you some nice single guy out here whose life you can ruin," Steve says as he pulls Val out of the bedroom. Kelly checks herself again in the full-length mirror as David gazes at her.

"David, have I thanked you yet for giving me away?" asks Kelly as she struggles with her veil.

"About a million times, Kel."

"Well, I'm saying it again anyway. I mean, after my dad got out of prison I really thought he'd go straight. Who knew he and Felice would end up together?"

"And married!" laughs David.

"I know. Poor Donna. Her dad wasn't dead 3 months before they hooked up. Yuck. Anyway, if my dear old dad can't take time out of his 6th honeymoon to give me away, then who needs him? Besides," she says, motioning for David to come help her, "you're family, too, right?"

"Right." Kelly looks at the two of them in the mirror.

"Can you believe that the first time we met you were just this little pimply-faced freshman who listened to too much rap?"

"And who was totally in love with you."

"I know. Wasn't that crazy?" Kelly says obliviously. "Who would have thought we'd become brother and sister?"

"You're not my sister, Kel." David says as she runs his hand up the back of the dress.

"Uh," she gulps, "I know, David. But we're _like_ brother and sister. Right?" David doesn't say anything. He just stares at her reflection in the mirror.

"David? David?"

"You know…I never stopped loving you, Kel. Not when I was with Donna, or Val, not even when I thought you were dead."

"Oh, David. That's sweet. Really, it is. Now, can you help me with those buttons?" David's eyes glass over as he fumbles with the tiny buttons on the back of the dress.

"I…just wanted you to know that," David whispers sadly. "I…didn't…think you—" Kelly whips around to face him, causing the dress to fall loosely to the floor.

"Now…can you help me with _these_?"   


* * *

  
Steve sits on Brandon's old bed, carefully studying the ring box that he as best man was sworn to protect.

"Almost ready, brother?" Brandon says as he adjusts his tuxedo cummerbund. Steve is quiet. "Hey man, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you were more nervous than I am."

"It's just so weird, Brandon," Steve answers thoughtfully. "I mean, when we first met, I was still in love with Kelly, and here you are marrying her." Brandon sits down on the bed and pats his bud on the back.

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, of course not. I just feel like…like I'm being left behind."

"But you're doing great! You finally got Val out of your hair, the _Beat_ is doing well because of you, and you met…uh…uh—"

"Janet!"

"Janet, and now you have a wife and kid. What more could you want?" Steve looks into his best friend's eyes and, without warning, leans in.

"Dude!" Brandon yells, putting his hand out firmly to stop him. He stands up and backs away. Then, after a second, he whispers, "Lock the door."   


* * *

  
Dylan sits in his car fidgeting while on-again/off-again girlfriend Gina waits for him to get out.

"Are we ever gonna get out of this car, Dylan?" Gina sighs.

"Hey, I'm not stopping you." Dylan puts on his sunglasses and continues to caress the door handle. Gina shrugs.

"You know Dylan, I don't get you. You've had like, what, _two_ wives since you were with Kelly, and yet you still can't get her out of your head! Isn't that kinda sick?"

"Gina, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just not ready to go in yet, that's all. Just leave it alone, aiiight?" Gina shoves her car door open.

"Ya know, I can get David back any time I want. I bet I could even steal that scrawny Brandon away from Kelly if I tried. I don't know why I bother with you."

"Maybe because I'm rich!" he screams after her. She slams the door shut and stomps away with the wedding present under her arm. He laughs to himself and pulls a paper bag from the backseat of the car.

"Here's to you, Kel," he whispers, holding up a shining new bottle of Scotch. "May you two rot in hell." Before he can take a swig the car door opens again.

"Dammit, Gina! I'm not in the mood for makeup sex, yet!" A woman gets in the car.

"Who the hell is Gina!"

"My God," gulps Dylan. "What are you doing here, Brenda?"   


* * *

  
"I think everyone's here," Jim Walsh says to his wife as they survey the backyard. "I guess we can start."

"Well, where's Steve and Brandon?" Cindy asks. As if on cue, the groom and best man emerge from the back door, looking very strange. She calls them to her.

"Brandon, where were you? It's almost that time," Cindy says cheerfully. "You remember Father McGinley," she says, indicating the priest standing next to her. He offers his hand to Brandon.

"Yes, of course," Brandon says nervously. "Thank you again for agreeing to marry me and Kel."

"It's the least I could do," says the priest, "seeing as I married your best man, here. How's the little wife, Steve?" Steve turns pink and shakes hands like a robot.

"I'm doing great," Janet says, startling her husband. "And so is Maddie." Janet takes the baby out of the front-loading papoose as she, the priest, and Cindy fawn over Maddie. Steve and Brandon fidget.

"Maddie just loves her daddy, doesn't she?" Janet chatters as she pushes the baby in Steve's face. "Steve is really getting the hang of this, Father. He's attentive and loyal…and _straight—"_

"What are you accusing me of? Get off my back woman!" Steve makes a hasty exit. Brandon blushes and goes after his best man.

"I was just going to say _straight-out_ the best darn father I've ever seen. I guess he can't take a compliment."   


* * *

  
At precisely 2 PM, Jim Walsh nods to the string quartet band, and they start the music. Everyone quickly quiets down and takes a seat. Jim and Cindy sit in front on one side, Kelly's mother and David's father on the other. All attention turns to a floral awning through which the wedding party will soon enter. Erin, Kelly and David's little sister, stands at the front of the bridal procession wearing a very cute floral dress with flowers in her hair. On cue she starts down the path between the chairs, tossing flowers on the ground. Inside the house the rest of the bridal party gets ready.

"Well, Kel, you did it. You finally won," Val says sincerely.

"It's not about winning, Val." Kel says. "Brandon and I were meant for each other. I've never believed anything more than that."

"I know that now." Val wipes a tear from her eye and hugs Kelly, who looks stunned. "Shut up, weddings always get me. Oh, fuck it!" Val takes her bouquet and starts her way down the path.

"I guess this is it," David sighs. "Once they start that 'Here comes the bride' song, there's no going back." Kelly looks up at her _step_brother.

"I know, David. This is what I want. Please be happy for me."

"I am happy for you. Just promise me one thing," David says as he turns to face the door, taking Kelly's arm. "Promise me we'll do that again sometime."

"Huh?" Just then that familiar tune drones out through the backyard and David quickly pulls Kelly's veil over her face and leads her to the awning. Everyone stands up.

"Here we go," whispers David. Kelly smiles when she sees Brandon at the other side of the yard, grinning from ear to ear. Slowly she and David walk in step towards the groom. She sees Steve's wife and baby on the right near the back. Gina sits a few rows up, looking very bored while trying to chat up Matt Durning. Kelly fights to hold back tears of happiness when she sees Nat and Joanie on the other side, sitting together as man and wife, for the first time in public and out of their wheelchairs. Even the sight of plain-clothes security agents with wires in their ears can't keep Kelly from smiling. As she comes but a few steps from her destiny, Kelly sees Dylan in the second row—with Brenda—holding hands. She pauses for a second.

"What's the matter?" David whispers to Kelly.

"Noth…nothing." David takes her to the front, removes her veil, and kisses her on the cheek.

"Thank you, David," Kelly whispers.

"No…thank _you_," he says with a grin. He sits down next to his dad and Brandon takes his place.

The priest begins. "Dearly beloved." Just then, the woman at the piano hammers loudly on the keyboard. Everyone turns in the direction of the musicians, who look as surprised as the guests. The woman stands up and grabs a microphone.

"We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life." She approaches the wedding party, gesticulating wildly about the arms. "Electric word, life, it means forever, and that's a mighty long time. But I'm here to tell you, there's something else—the afterworld." She chuckles. "Sorry, I couldn't resist." She then removes a wig and sunglasses to reveal Victoria Virelli.

"Dammit!" screams Kelly. "Can't I ever have _anything_?" Brandon quickly steps in between Kelly and Victoria. The security men begin to close in on her, but stop in their tracks when they see her pull something out of her purse.

"That's right," Victoria says as she brandishes a gun, "it's me. Brandon's _first_ wife. For some reason I never received my invitation to this shindig. All I got were final divorce papers."

"Who let in Maleficent?" cracks Gina from the back. Victoria doesn't miss a beat.

"Later for you, hoochie mama. I've got a score to settle." She approaches Kelly, but stops when Noah Hunter and a small army of policemen and FBI agents rush in from all sides.

"Drop it now, Virelli!" Noah screams as they pull their weapons on her. "You're surrounded. I don't know how the hell you got past security—"

"You call this security? One flash of tit and I was in here like Flint. Besides, half these guys are on my payroll anyway." Victoria admits. Some of the ear-wired security men nervously shift weight.

"I said drop it, Victoria!"

"Or what? You gonna take me in for questioning? We all know how that turned out last time!" Everyone, including the police and agents, try to stifle a chuckle. Noah is not amused.

"I was set up!" yells Noah, though he in unable to convince the crowd. "That tape was fake. I'm gonna prove it, if it takes the rest of my law enforcing life!"

"Whatever, teeny-peeny, I just came here to see my hubby." Victoria turns to the bride and groom. "Now, Brandon, tell me. I gotta know. How can you prefer this bimbo over me?"

"Stop it, Victoria," Brandon shouts. "It's over. _We're_ over. I'm marrying Kelly, and you can't do a thing to stop us. I never loved you, and I felt guilty about that at first. But now I feel nothing for you." She fights to keep from looking hurt.

"Really? Do you feel something for Steve? Or rather, did you feel something _on_ Steve just a few minutes ago?" Brandon turns white. Steve clutches his stomach, and Val nearly doubles over with laughter.

"Brandon…what…what is she talking about?" Kelly says.

"Nothing, Kel. She's sick! You're sick, Victoria!"

"Yeah, but Brandon, what does she mean?"

"Kelly, don't pay attention to her. Just get her outta here, please!" Brandon yells to Noah.

"Don't worry, Kelly. I haven't forgotten you." Victoria moves closer and points the gun at Kelly's head. The guests squeal, but Kelly looks unfazed. "I know you were upset that your dad wasn't here to give you away, so you looked to David for a little brotherly attention. Tell me—did he give you something old, something new, something borrowed, or something _huge_?" Both Brandon and Dylan look at David, who lowers his head. Kelly turns white.

"That little sucker," Dylan says under his breath. Brenda elbows him.

Brandon looks confusedly at Kelly. "Kel?"

"Oh my god…Brandon, listen."

"Was I not supposed to say that?" Victoria laughs so hard that she doubles over, allowing Noah to easily seize her. He grabs her and easily takes the gun.

"Aw, c'mon man! It was only a cigarette lighter!" Noah clamps a pair of handcuffs on her, but she doesn't put up much of a fight. "I wasn't gonna hurt her, even if she does deserve to die!" screams Victoria.

"That's enough out of you. Let's go, Virelli!" Noah starts to escort Victoria out, but Brandon stops him.

"Wait Noah! I want her to see this." Brandon turns to Kelly. "Kelly Taylor, I've made some huge mistakes in my life. Marrying _her_ for example. Running away when I should have stayed here and fight for us. Drinking acid-spiked punch at a rave in the mountains. But the one thing that I will never, ever regret in this lifetime is my love for you. We've been through so much together, and it's only made me love you more. You're my best friend, my confidante, and my pillar of strength. Whatever you may or may not have done in the past makes no difference to me. I want to be married to you forever." Everyone, even Victoria, is moved to tears.

"Oh…Brandon," Kelly says through tears, "I feel the same way. I've made a lot of mistakes, too. Remember…remember when I was on drugs? And, and that disastrous page boy haircut? And that time I sent naked picture of you to _Playgirl_ magazine—"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Anyway, the point is, I want to be married to you for the rest of my life. I don't care about my past anymore," she says, looking right at Dylan. "All that is just a memory. You are my present and my future, and whatever you may or may not have done in the past makes no difference to me." Steve and Brandon simultaneous breathe a sigh of relief.

"Wow," says Victoria. "I've been such a fool. It's so obvious that you two were meant for one another." She wipes a tear from her eye. "How could I have ever loved such a _wuss_?"

Brandon looks at Victoria, then at Noah. "Get this crazy bitch outta here."

"Let's go, Virelli. I think I'll take you in all by myself." Everyone applauds as Noah leads Victoria and her henchmen towards the waiting FBI cars dotting the street.

"Well," starts the priest after a very long and silent pause, "who wants to get married?" Everyone enjoys a laugh. The priest looks at the couple and asks for the rings, which Val and Steve eagerly offer.

"Brandon, do you take Kelly to be your wife?" Brandon looks deeply into Kelly's eyes.

"I do." Somewhere in the last row, Andrea Zuckerman blows her nose.

"And do you, Kelly, take Brandon to be your husband?"

"I do." Dylan reaches for a bottle in his jacket, but Brenda's pump heel on his toe stops him.

"Then, if there aren't any more objections," the priest says semi-mockingly, but with a very loaded pause, a pause long enough for Kelly to throw a sharp look at Val and David and for Brandon to throw a sharp look at Dylan and Steve. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss." Brandon and Kelly smile at each other, the afternoon sun reflecting in their perfect teeth nearly blinding those in the front row. They kiss. Val sobs. Steve sobs. Dylan holds back a sob. Somewhere in San Francisco a black-clad, pill-popping Emily Valentine sobs.   


* * *

  
On a deserted road somewhere in the hills of Beverly, Noah pulls his car over, having quickly left behind the rest of the entourage with some fast driving. He looks at his handcuffed prisoner with pride.

"I got you now, and I'll get the rest of your crime-infested family. You think you can just get away with attempted murder, extortion, assault, and fraud? No way, not on my watch. You're going down for real this time, Virelli," Noah says. "I'm gonna make sure of that." A smile creeps across Victoria's face.

"No, Cap'n Noah. It's you who's goin' down this time." Victoria lifts her arms up and shakes her unlocked, toy handcuffs free, grabs Noah by the back of the head and shoves her tongue down his throat. After a minute of tawdry kissing, he breaks free.

"What was with that 'teeny-peeny' remark?" he says with a smile.

"As if you don't know." Victoria laughs hysterically and pushes her lover's head in her lap.   


* * *

  
The wedding reception runs on well into the late afternoon. Everyone dances to the couple's favorite requests—"Endless love", "Islands in the stream", "Welcome to the jungle", just to name a few. The bride and groom slow dance in the center of the crowd.

"Can you believe we're finally married?" Kelly asks her new husband. "After all we've been through. It's really happening."

"Yep."

"So…uh, not that it matters, but…what…did…you and…uh…Steve—"

"Sssh, Kelly. Don't worry your pretty little head about it. You'll have enough to worry about soon enough, when I get you pregnant."

"What?"

Dylan and Gina dance together over by the bar. Dylan is paying more attention to both Kelly and Brenda, who is dancing with Matt.

"Yo! Earth to Dylan. You're being very rude to me," Gina says.

"You don't like it, you can always move out of our hotel room," he says nonchalantly.

"I already moved out, you asshole! You didn't even notice! I hate you!" Gina says, stomping on Dylan's already sore toe. She storms away and cuts in on Matt.

"Excuse me, but I need to dance with a real gentleman," Gina says, shoving Brenda out of the way. "You can have Dylan back—I broke him in for ya." Brenda starts to say something, then bites her lip and leaves.

"What is it with Dylan?" Matt asks. "All the women in this town fight over him."

"He's very well endowed," Gina answers.

"That's right, I'd heard he's filthy rich."

Gina looks over at Dylan and sighs. "Yeah…that too."

"Oh!" laughs Matt. "That explains it then." Gina smiles at the lawyer playfully.

"But he doesn't have your charm and style." Matt blushes.

"It's all in the sweater vests."

Brenda motions for Dylan to join her in a dance. "I guess we really need to talk soon," she says.

"I suppose. Now that you're back, we can finally decide what to do with this mess of a marriage," Dylan says. Brenda suddenly looks startled.

"Are you saying…you want a divorce, Dylan?"

"Bren, you've been gone a year. I've had sex with _quite_ a few women since then!"

"So?" Brenda says casually. "You think I haven't?"

"Well—huh?"

She laughs. "I'm kidding. I know we've been apart a long time. But I'm ready to make it work with us. If you are." Dylan looks into his wife's eyes for a long time.

"Really, Bren?"

"Really." Dylan smiles and pulls his wife tightly to him as they dance. "By the way," Brenda whispers, "you…still…have all that money, right?"

"Steve," Janet says as they change their baby in the upstairs bedroom, "I couldn't hear that well from where I was sitting, but it sounded like that horrible Victoria person said something about you."   
"Nah, you must have heard her wrong."

"Oh…because I think I overheard Val saying something about it, too."

"Victoria is a freak. She needs some serious dosages of whatever Silver used to be on, and even _then_ she'd be a loon." Janet looks unconvinced. "Trust me, honey. I'd never do anything to hurt you or Minnie."

"Maddie, Steve! Your daughter's name is Maddie!" Janet picks up the baby stomps out of the room defiantly.

Steve looks out the window, defeated. "Shit."

"Nice wedding huh, David?" Val asks as they slow dance to the latest Celine Dion ballad. David is too absorbed with gazing out into space to answer. Val nudges him. "She belongs with Brandon, you know."

"I know. "

"Hey," Val says, perking up. "I know what'll cheer you up. Want me to ask the band to play some gangsta rap?" David isn't fazed, and Val gets madder. "Give it up, David. Are you gonna pine after Kelly your whole life?"

"It's not Kelly I'm thinking about," David says.

"Well then who?" Suddenly the music stops and Kelly's mother grabs the microphone.

"Ok, single ladies. It's bouquet throwing time." She sips her champagne, in which she looks to have already overindulged. "All single ladies over here," she says, waving her arms. "Although personally I think the whole marriage thing is a waste of time."

"Mom, shut up!" Kelly yells at her.

"They just get sick of your cellulite and cheat on you with a dental hygienist," she continues loudly. "Or some other young slut. Am I right?" She looks over at Nat and Joanie. "Am I right?"

"Ok, Mom, enough!" Kelly grabs the microphone and pushes her mother into a nearby chair. "Please excuse my mother," Kelly says. "She just turned 49…again. Anyway, can I have all the single ladies over here!" Everyone looks around, and with a bit of poking and shoving, Val, Gina, little Erin, and a few other single female wedding guests make a line behind Kelly.

"Is everyone ready?" Kelly says laughing as she turns her back to the women.

Val grabs Gina's arm and says in her ear "Don't even try it. That thing is mine, bitch."

Gina laughs. "Only if you can get that caboose of yours in the air, which I seriously doubt."

Kelly signals the band for a drumroll. "Ok! One…two—"

"Wait! What about me?" Everyone stops and turns around. There, standing in front of the 5-tier wedding cake, is Donna. Her hair is long and its original color. She is wearing a very simple, off-the-rack dress and shoes, and looks calmer and more at peace than she ever has.

"Donna!" yells Kelly. "When did you get here?"

"How did you get here?" shouts David excitedly.

"How did you get _out_?" Val says.

Donna smiles and raises her hand. "Later, everyone. I'm just glad I got here in time to see my best friends get married." Brandon, who has by now joined Kelly behind the microphone, takes his wife's hand.

"It's great to see you, Don." He says.

"Yeah, great having you back," adds Dylan.

Gina raises her hand. "Are you gonna want your share of Dad's estate now? Because, you know, I had a few gambling debts, and, you know, momma needed her some new clothes."

Donna interrupts her. "It doesn't matter, Gina. That's in the past." She looks around at everyone. "That's why I came back. To apologize to everyone. I had a lot of problems before I left. And then my dad died, and my mom remarried, and finding out Gina was my sister—"

"Gina's your sister!" David says surprisingly. He covers his face with his hands. "I did it with sisters?"

"That's right, David." Donna says. "I'm being completely honest with everyone from now on. It's part of my probation—I mean, treatment. I want to make amends."   
David thinks to himself, then smiles. "I did it with sisters!" he whispers proudly.

"Are you safe to be around?" Steve asks. "'Cause, I got a kid now."

"Yes, Steve, I'm ok," laughs Donna. "I'm great! That's why I want to make peace with everyone. Steve, I'm sorry for screwing you in the Peach Pit in order to make Nat jealous."

"Bastard!" Janet says under her breath. Steve bows his head.

Donna turns to Kelly. "Kel, I'm sorry I told everyone you were a slut in high school."

"I thought that was Steve?" Kelly says.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. It was Steve." Donna says.

"Asshole!" Janet says as she kicks Steve.

"Valerie, Gina," Donna says, "I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend and cousin/sister. But I really never liked either of you anyway."

"Whatever," Gina and Val say in unison, making their hands into "w"s.

"David. Oh, my sweet David. I'm sorry I let Nat come between us. I'm sorry I let my overpowering, animalistic desire for Nat's raw sexual energy sway me from your…simplicity. I'm sorry I let my need for unkempt passion color my love for you. I'm sorry I was tempted by Nat's huge—"

"I get it, I get it!" David yells.

"And Nat. Where is Nat?" Everyone turns around to find Nat and Joanie limping away on their matching canes towards the cars. "There you are!"

"Stay away from us, Martin! The court order says you can't be within 50 feet of us!" Nat screams at her.

"Nat…Joanie…I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. I was…wait." Donna takes out an official-looking piece of paper. "I was 'temporarily insane, clinically depressed, and potentially suicidal.'" She folds the paper. "I know I can never make up for the pain I've caused your family. The only thing I can do is try to live my life to the best of my ability, and hope that, someday, the right combination of medications can be proscribed." Nat and Joanie pause, then start back towards the wedding, arm in arm.

"Great! I'm free!" Donna says. Everyone breathes a huge sigh of relief and starts to mingle again. "Oh, wait everyone! There's someone I want you all to meet." Donna goes off behind the large pile of wedding gifts and returns with something in her arms. It's a baby.

"Sweetie," she says to the infant as she holds it up for the flabbergasted crowd to see, "these are my closest and dearest friends in the entire world." She looks out to the crowd. "Everybody, this is Donatello Versace Lacroix Martin. Or as I call him, Nat, Jr."

_THE END_


End file.
